rewrite the rule book
by grangerbutstranger
Summary: Steve and Leslie are BFFs, Burt Macklin joins S.H.I.E.L.D., the Parks Department becomes the Stark Department, and Ann kind of wants to date the Hulk. Leslie/Ben, Andy/April, Clint/Natasha, Bruce/Ann
1. Chapter 1

"You've got a little whipped cream on your nose," Ben said from across the desk.

Leslie quickly swiped her thumb over it and sucked it off. "Thanks for warning me."

They sipped their coffee in almost-silence, contented hums and laughter in the air between them. Leslie got up even earlier these days, insisting that having two jobs demanded it, and they always spent a few quiet minutes in the office before the rest of the department showed up.

Jerry was first to arrive, eating a breakfast burrito and smiling. Then Donna, then Ron, then Tom, and then April.

Time dwindling, Ben reached out to grab Leslie's hand and squeeze, and she smiled softly at him. "You're amazing, you know that?"

And that's when April interrupted them.

"There's a guy here about a thing," she said.

"Thank you for your specificity, April," said Ben.

"I'm just gonna let him come talk to you because I can't remember where he said he was from because I stopped paying attention." She left, texting.

"I should go," Ben said. "If it got April's attention, it's probably important.

"Yeah. Go, get outta here," Leslie said with a wave. She had whipped cream on her nose again.

"You've got," he said, gesturing as he walked out backwards. He was almost out the door when he bumped into the man waiting quietly outside.

"Oh, I am so sorry," said Ben, but the man just waved a hand. No big deal. Ben shot a startled look to Leslie as the man sat in one of the chairs, checking his watch.

"Hi, welcome. I'm Leslie Knope. What can I—"

"If you'll excuse me, Ms. Knope," he said, "I don't have much time."

He extended a hand, and she shook it with a wary grin.

"Agent Phil Coulson, S.H.I.E.L.D. We've received several reports of the recent occurrences in Pawnee, primarily in the area around Ramsett Park. Are you at all aware of this?"

"Oh, you mean the weird, sharky, birdy things? And the portal? We thought that was just Zorp!" she said.

* * *

"Pawnee's resident cult, the Reasonableists, held a potluck in Ramsett Park last Friday," she told the camera. "They claimed afterwards that they had successfully summoned their overlord. No one believed them until someone got eaten by the sparkly green vortex. It was very pretty! And also horrible."

* * *

Agent Coulson handed Leslie a manila folder. "We're bringing in a team to take care of it," he said. "They'll be here in approximately twenty minutes."

* * *

Ann opened the door to find, as usual, that Leslie had appeared, unannounced and out of breath. She held a clumsily-packed cardboard box, just big enough to be awkward to carry.

"Hi Ann!" she said.

Ann stared. "Why are you breathing so hard? Did you walk here?"

She looked out to the driveway and saw Leslie's car.

"No, no, I drove. I'm just excited," she said, and pushed past her to dump the box on the couch.

Its contents rattled. This was not, as far as Ann was concerned, a good sign.

"I need you to hide this stuff for me, okay, Ann? Okay."

"What's happening?" Ann asked, almost afraid to.

"Nothing. Nothing. It's just some old memorabilia that I can't have in my office right now because of very important top secret reasons." She brushed her hands off on her pants and nodded, satisfied. "Gotta go now. Bye, Ann!"

"What—"

"You're beautiful!" Leslie shouted as she closed the door behind her.

Ann approached the box, cautious, and looked inside, pulling out the large, round…thing sticking out of the box.

Why the hell had Leslie given her a replica of Captain America's shield?

* * *

Steve was uncomfortable with the way the young lady in front of him was staring at his shirt. Maybe she didn't like plaid.

"Uh, hi. I'm looking for a Ms. Knope?" he said.

Before she could answer, a blonde woman rushed in and gave the dark-haired one a panicked look.

"Hi Captain Rogers, sir, it's a pleasure—an honor—to meet you." She shook his hand enthusiastically as an older man walked by.

"Leslie," he said, "is that?"

"Yes, Jerry, go away," she hissed, and turned back to Steve with a smile.

* * *

Ron watched from his office.

"I don't know what is happening and I don't want to," he said.

* * *

Tom leaned over Donna's desk, bouncing with excitement. "Captain America. Is here. Here. In Pawnee."

Donna gestured to Leslie's office, eyes still on the computer. "And he'd better get his fine ass over here for an autograph before he leaves."

"Noooo," Tom whined, horrified. "What if Tony Stark shows up? I'm not dressed to meet Tony Stark!"

"Too bad, 'cause I most certainly am." Donna raised her eyebrows, nodding her head.

"There's so much I want to tell him," Tom said. "That he's my hero, that his suit is perfectly engineered for maximum awesome, that if things don't work out with him and Pepper Potts—"

"I'm going to have to defer to Pepper on that," said Tony, standing in the doorway.

"No," said Pepper Potts, behind him.

* * *

"I don't think you have any cause for concern, Ms. Knope," Steve said, taking advantage of her silence as she paused for breath.

"Leslie. Call me Leslie," she said with a smile.

"Leslie, I can assure you that we will do everything we can to solve this problem as quickly as possible. I have teammates studying the portal as we speak."

"Good, good," she said. "Can I also ask you for your autograph? Is that weird? Only, you're an American hero, and I'm a big fan of those. Heroes. Especially American ones. And just, you know, America in general."

Steve put a hand on her shoulder. "Let's focus on the problem for now."

* * *

The sun shone brightly in Ramsett Park, and Natasha squinted into the sky as she took in her surroundings. It was deserted, not what she'd expected, but she supposed when a vortex of sparkling energy appeared in a spot where you'd normally walk your dog, you'd avoid it.

"What the hell is it?" asked Clint, poking his head over the top of the funnel-shaped, green portal. "Where does it go?"

"We have no idea," said Coulson, adjusting his sunglasses. "That's why we have you here."

"Clint, don't get too close," added Natasha. "Someone fell in before."

"They were in a cult," he answered, as if that excused it. "A person who's in a cult is a person I have to believe got themselves sucked into this thing out of sheer stupidity."

"Be careful."

"What kind of town has its own cult?" asked Clint, ignoring her. "And who lets them have picnics in the local parks?"

Coulson's mouth twitched. "You'd be surprised," he said.

"This place is weird," Clint said. "I can already tell."

Judging by the way he'd already adapted to speaking to the camera, Natasha thought he might very well be correct.

* * *

"Hi," said the guy at Ann's door, twisting his fingers together as he spoke.

"Hi," she said, puzzled.

"I'm Bruce Banner," he said. "Agent Coulson told me I should meet with you, since we might need medical resources if anything gets out of hand—"

"Whoa, back up," she said. "Bruce Banner?"

"Yes," he said, and from the look on his face, he knew she knew.

"Your research is very impressive," she said with a small smile, and he actually laughed. "Now, if I invite you in for coffee, can you fill me in on what's happening?"

"Sure," he said, and moved to step inside.

She caught him on the arm before he passed her. "You're not going to…you know. Are you?" she said. "Sorry, I just. Can't really afford a new house."

"The Other Guy's not invited," he said. "He doesn't like coffee anyway."

* * *

Andy ran down the hallway, knocking over a chair, attempting to jump over it, and getting his legs tangled in the chair's and falling over.

"Are you in need of assistance?" asked a voice from above him, and Andy looked up.

"Dude," he said. "Is that a hammer? It's awesome."

"Yes, my friend," said the man, hauling him up by one arm. "It is called Mjolnir, and only I can wield it."

"Awesome," Andy said again. "What does wield mean?"

* * *

In the few hours since the Avengers had arrived, the portal had grown and engulfed several trees.

"Hill," Coulson said through his earpiece, "Please tell Fury we might be here longer than we thought."


	2. Chapter 2

"You're telling me," Ann said, "that there is possible alien activity. Here. In Pawnee?"

"That about sums it up," Bruce answered. She looked almost unsurprised. Not pleased, and clearly resigned, but not shocked. He kind of appreciated it.

"And you and your superpowered friends are here to help."

"Yeah."

Ann finally took a sip of her coffee and made a face. "Wow, this is horrible."

"The coffee?" Bruce asked. "Or did you mean the situation?"

"Both. I must have gotten distracted by having a superhero in my house and made it more milk than caffeine."

Bruce ducked his head to hide his wince. "I'm not a hero."

"Oh, don't give me that." Bruce looked up and found her stirring her coffee absently, eyes narrowed at him. "I've seen the Manhattan footage. You're not fooling me."

"Okay," he laughed, and it felt like the first time in a while.

* * *

Tony commandeered Donna's computer, leaving her to take over Jerry's.

"But I'm working on a PowerPoint," he said, and she gestured to Tony, hovering over her desktop with Pepper on a tablet beside him.

"Jerry, when Tony Stark wants your computer, you give him your computer. And my work is more important than yours."

"Okay," Jerry sighed, and closed the PowerPoint window. "Oh."

"You forgot to save it," Donna supplied unnecessarily.

"Gimme a second, I'll handle it," Tony called.

* * *

Things were starting to come out of the vortex. Things that hadn't gone in in the first place.

"Not to worry, friends," Thor told Clint and Natasha. "I will battle any beasts, should they appear."

"Yeah, great, Thor," said Clint, eyes darting to the couple a few yards away. "Nat, is it safe for them here?"

"Ask Thor. He brought them." She didn't approve, but with three S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and a Norse god, they weren't likely to come to any harm.

"The girl's making me nervous."

With a punch to Clint's arm, Natasha headed over to the couple, who watched her in fear and awe.

"I want to be just like you," April said before Natasha could ask why they wanted to be on the scene in the first place. "April," she added as an afterthought.

"Bert Macklin," the man said, reaching out to shake Natasha's hand. She declined with a shake of her head, and he wilted slightly. "You can call me Andy, I guess."

* * *

"Leslie Knope!" said an enthusiastic voice, interrupting Steve's sentence. "Sorry to interrupt, but I heard that Captain America was in the building, and I just had to come in and tell him how much I admire him."

"Hello?" Steve said, feeling more than a little awkward.

"Captain," the man said, shaking his hand vigorously. Steve wasn't sure when that had started. "Meeting you is literally the greatest honor of my life. I am Chris Traeger. While I may not have a super serum flowing through my veins, I do my utmost to ensure that I am in prime physical condition. I believe we may have a lot to talk about."

"That's great," Steve said. "Sure. But can Leslie and I finish up this strategy meeting first?"

* * *

"Oh, you have no idea the chaos we've been through here," Ann said. "Aliens are a new one, but things get weird in this town. I'm just glad Ben's back from D.C. Leslie was going crazy without him. Not that she's usually the sanest."

"I know what you mean. You should've seen Clint and Natasha before Coulson came back from the dead."

"Wow, okay, we are definitely working on different weirdness scales."

Bruce laughed softly, and Ann smiled into her mug.

* * *

"Captain—"

"Steve."

"Steve," Leslie said. "How are we going to fix this?"

He frowned. "I have Thor looking into it, to see if it has any connection to Asgard or Loki. Once we've heard from him, we can plan a course of action."

"How long will it be till he knows?"

"Probably another couple of hours."

Leslie grinned. It was a good look on her. "Can we talk about history while we wait? I want to hear how you felt about FDR."

He couldn't help smiling back.

* * *

Ben was pretty sure this could not actually be happening.

The guy in the suit he'd bumped into at Leslie's office was in front of him in line at Food 'N' Stuff, and he had a guy in armor with him.

Armor.

"Sorry," he said to the blond armor guy, "This sounds like a sarcastic question, but it's completely genuine. Is there a renaissance fair in town, or is it something weirder?"

"Definitely weirder," said the guy in the suit, and Ben decided he'd rather not ask.

That plan was foiled by his phone ringing. Loudly. To the tune of "Call Me Maybe."

"Leslie, I thought you were going to change that back," he said.

"I like it! It's fun! Anyway, I'm at JJ's with Captain America. You should come. He's got really great stories."

"Okay, I—did you just say you're at JJ's with Captain America?"

"Indeed she did," said armor guy, and Ben realized some introductions needed to be made.

* * *

"Ann, are you aware that the Avengers are in Pawnee?" said Ben on the phone, and Ann glanced at Bruce. She suspected he could hear every word. Ben was kind of freaking out.

"Yeah, I'm actually having coffee with Bruce Banner right now," she said, trying to make it sound casual, as if "I'm hanging out with the Hulk" was a perfectly normal thing to say.

"Coffee's not a euphemism, is it?" said Ben. "It just kind of sounded like it."

"No, it's not." Apparently, Ann needed to work on sounding casual.

* * *

"How do you do the thing where you kill a man with your thighs?" April asked, notepad in hand.

"Training and possible genetic enhancements?" Natasha offered. Clint barked a laugh, and Andy joined him, looking confused.

"Where did you get your uniform?" April continued. This was beginning to feel like an interrogation. In the unpleasant sense, not the Natasha-in-total-control sense.

"S.H.I.E.L.D. supplied it," she said. "Why are you so curious about my work?"

"Because you're perfect," April said, and Clint raised an eyebrow. Natasha couldn't really argue with that.


End file.
